Urban dictionary defines tribe as “a group of friends that would do anything for each other, at just about any time. Friends that have been together for a decade or a day, but are loyal, loving, honest, and fun-loving. The Tribe consists of people that you expect to grow old together with, and by sharing amazing experiences, these are people on whom you will collect all the best dirt on throughout your life. “
I love this definition because it is so true about the amazing group of people I do life with. Over the past two years as a new mom I have really learnt the value of having a tribe. I group of people I can be brutally honest with about where I am or what I’m struggling with. I’ve also learnt the value of having a group of people I can just be me with – no masks. I think that everyone – women and men no matter where you are in your life needs to have a group of people that you do life with. Who love you unconditionally, who support you in the good and bad times. Who are cheering you on, praying for you, encouraging you and standing strong for you when you can’t stand alone. I am really blessed to have a family and a group of friends that I can be real with, no matter how ugly the real can get. I learnt the importance of this all over again during these last few weeks.
About two months ago I had a positive pregnancy test. When we found out we were pregnant David and I decided that we wanted to wait until the first scan before we told anyone. Over the 8 weeks leading up the scan we told our moms and a few very close people that we were pregnant. The main reason we wanted to keep it was quiet was because we just wanted to keep the news to ourselves for a little bit. We also wanted to wait until we knew for certain that we were really pregnant. During those 8 weeks I had already decided on a name for this little baba growing inside of me and I had already fallen in-love with it. I had started dreaming about it and planning the baby room. I called Nadia’s rooms, (my gynea) and scheduled the 8 week appointment. We were excited but nervous – besides dreaming about this little bean and falling in love with it I was also pretty scared about having another baby. I didn’t feel ready to be a mom of two yet, but I knew God would get me there in the months to follow.
We arrived for our scan on 5 August. After chatting to Nadia for a bit we went through for the scan. During the scan I was watching the screen and what I was expecting to see and hear was not showing up. I had seen an 8 week scan before – I knew there should be a bean and a heartbeat but there was only what looked like a line and circle. Nadia gently told us that it looked like a blighted ovum but to be sure I had to have blood tests and another scan in a weeks time. The week between 5 August and 12 August was long – I won’t lie about that. I wanted God to end this before we went for another scan a week later. I didn’t want to feel pregnant when all that I was going to be told in a weeks time was that it was “nothing”. We wanted to share the good news that we were pregnant with everyone but instead we had to share sad news that we had a scan and their was no heartbeat.
David and I had TONS of processing to do and by the time Monday came around we were in a really good space with whatever we would see or wouldn’t see on the scan. We were standing on our truth of God is good. We arrived for the scan and the scan still showed no heartbeat. Nadia told us that it now looked like either a missed miscarriage or a molar pregnancy. I was then booked in for a D&C on Tuesday – my birthday.
On Tuesday when I woke up I was sad but I knew I had a choice to make. I could let Tuesday be a bad day or I could choose to see the good in it. Yes, it was my birthday. Yes, it sucked that I had to have a D&C because this wasn’t a viable pregnancy BUT God still showed up. He gave me a peace and joy that can only come from him. The day was still sad but it was also good.
I’ve done a lot of processing in the past few days. I have sat on Gods lap and spoken to him about all of this. I have ugly cried and I have been and I am still quite emotional, small things set me off at random moments. I’m still sad and I know the sadness will pass with time as I mourn the loss of this baba. I am still standing on Gods truth that He is good. He sees the bigger picture in what we went through. I also know that because of God, the amazing group of friends, husband and family I have, (my tribe) I am able to get up and move forward after this experience.
Through this experience I’ve been reminded of how important it is to lean into God and to drink from his well of living water, to allow him to carry me and to just hold me. I have also been reminded of how blessed I am that I get to do life with an amazing bunch of people who love and support me.