Last month was pregnancy loss awareness month. Last month I gave birth to a perfect little boy after having a miscarriage the year before. Pregnancy after loss is not easy, it can be filled with anxiety and fear. It can be filled with second guessing every cramp you fee, well actually I spent second guessing every symptom that there could be something wrong, when it’s actually a normal pregnancy thing. Thankfully my husband, David is very logical and would always tell me to wait it out and see what happened before phoning my doctor to ask her about it. I think I would have driven my doctor crazy if I phoned her every time I was worried. The other thing I found scary and I was always filled with LOTS of anxiety was going for a scan, especially in the first trimester. Every scan day I was scared that the heartbeat would have stopped and I would be told the news that this is now a nothing again. What made it even worse was I had to go to the doctor alone because of COVID. My doctor was great and managed me and my anxiety well BUT the truth was that I had to take my focus off this pregnancy and what can go wrong and refocus my gaze on the creator of all of this – God.
I think it was the second or third scan that I went to and I remember God saying to me, “who do you trust with this baby?” I then had Psalm 20:7 run through my head, “Some trust in chariots and some in horses but we trust in the name of the lord.” I wrote this verse on my mirror so I could look at it every morning to help me to stay focused on God and to keep trusting Him with our baby tiger growing inside of me.
This pregnancy was marked as high risk because of the pre-eclampsia I had with Noah. There was a risk of it happening again, but I was like “no, I’m trusting in God that I will get to the end of this pregnancy with no issues”. I can testify today that this is what happened. I had a healthy full term pregnancy and gave birth to a healthy baby boy on 23 October.
Having a healthy pregnancy and giving birth to a healthy baby boy doesn’t replace the baby we lost a year ago. There are still fleeting moment where I think of who they may have been and I will always remember them. The baby we lost has a special place in my heart. The birth of Joel doesn’t remove the pain we felt then but God has given us victory in the season of pain and loss that we went through and He restored our joy before we fell pregnancy and increased it with the birth of our rainbow baby.